Sex, Decisions & Rock n' Roll (Redemption Tour #2) Page 4

  Her eyes are concerned, and rightfully so; this isn’t our usual scheduled appointment. I just had to see her prior to next week after… My thoughts trail off as a vision of the note from Blake flashes in my mind’s eye. I quickly will it away and focus on breathing in and out as calmly as possibly. I don’t want to have another panic attack and go over the edge. I’m stronger than this. I know I am. I just need to remember and focus on that.

  Dr. Hoffman expects nothing but honesty from me, but it’s going to be hard to go there. I know we have that doctor-patient confidentiality thing going on, but I’m afraid if I do tell the truth about my encounter with Blake, she will go to the police. I can’t have that. I stare off at the fountain behind her, trying to figure out how to begin and where.

  Sensing my dilemma, Dr. Hoffman clears her throat. “Jules, you know there’s no right or wrong in here. You can tell me anything you want, however you want. There’s no pressure, just when you’re ready, you will know what to say.” Her encouraging words lead me to where I need to begin.

  “Things with Dash have been… strained.” I figure this will be easier to talk about than the Blake thing, although I can feel my throat tighten as the words push out.

  “How so?”

  How do I push those images of him and Nadia out of my mind as I tell her? They are just lurking in the far corner ready to bombard me and twist my stomach and nerves into a knotted mess. Grabbing the mug, I take a few more sips of the calming elixir before I answer her question. “There were some pictures of him and the woman he used to date, Nadia, when the band was performing in Amsterdam…”

  “And I imagine they were more than friendly pictures?” Her stressing the word friendly tells me she may know what pictures I’m talking about.

  “Yes… they appeared to be… kissing in one of them.” My heart pounds in my chest as that particular image flashes in my head.

  “And that made you feel…?”

  A barrage of emotions at the time, but in the end, two, really. “Crushed and betrayed.”

  Dr. Hoffman’s focus is on her notepad. “Why?”

  I don’t have to think about it; the words come rushing out. “Because I didn’t think he would ever do that to me. Even though he wasn’t… hurting me with words or with his fists, it hurt just the same. In fact, it hurt more than… than Blake ever did. I’ve been afraid to open myself up and feel anything for any man since… and then when I finally do… those pictures were my worst nightmare… but…” A lump lodges itself in my throat.

  “But?”

  “I was wrong. I should have had more faith and belief in him… in us… and I didn’t. And when I told him… after avoiding him… I could hear it in his voice that he was disappointed that I would believe something written in those magazines so easily. He said he had to go soon after, and we haven’t talked since.”

  “Have you tried contacting him?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’m afraid if I do, he won’t answer and then my worst fear will have come true.”

  “And what’s that, Jules?”

  “That I’m not enough and will never be. That I don’t fit into his world as hard as I may try… I never will. He could never love someone like me because… well, why would he? I’m just me, still broken even though I’m trying to work through that, but sometimes it just creeps up and I can’t help but feel that way. And then there’s him. He’s this extraordinary rock star that has the world at his feet. He could have any woman on the planet he wanted… he could have Nadia… again…” My darkest fears have just been verbalized, and it terrifies me to my core that they could actually be true and come to fruition.

  Dr. Hoffman sets down her notepad and rises from her chair, comes around her desk, and takes a seat in one of the chairs across from me. “He chose you, Jules. He doesn’t want any woman on the planet. He wants to be with you. There was more to those pictures than what you saw, am I correct?”

  All I can do is nod.

  “And he explained that to you?”

  “Yes.” My voice shakes on the word.

  “But you still had some doubts?”

  “Yes.” It hurts to say it. I shouldn’t be saying it. I shouldn’t have felt that way.

  “You’re still healing, Jules. You’re still working through your past. I think this situation with Dash and the photo did bring up residual feelings from the past, which clouded your judgment and added to your feelings of inadequacy. But, you’re human and a woman who’s in a relationship that isn’t necessarily conventional. You need to give yourself first a break, and then secondly credit for realizing that what you were feeling isn’t wrong and that you are trying to work through it. I know it’s hard to believe, but your reaction was probably what the most confident of women would have had. But that’s not to say that you or him are in the right for not talking about it after he explained. I know he’s busy with being on tour, but…” Her voice trails off. I try to figure out what she was going to say. She shakes her head, pauses, and then continues. “Sorry, I lost my train of thought there for a moment. Anyway, ask yourself since you’ve started this relationship with Dash if he has ever given you reason to doubt his feelings for you, and has he ever been dishonest with how he does feel? If the answer to both those questions is no, then I think you know deep down what those pictures truly showed. I don’t want you to negate your feelings you had after seeing them. Because what you feel is never wrong, but they are to be worked through, especially when you’re feeling betrayed, abandoned, misunderstood, upset, agitated. Those are the feelings that need to be questioned, and the source of them needs to be flushed out. I think you need to step back and take look at this situation from another perspective, from Dash’s. I’m sure having that conversation was the last thing he wanted to do on the phone. From what you’ve told me about your relationship with him and about him, he probably wanted to have it face-to-face so you could not only hear the honesty in his voice but see it in his eyes as well.” She shakes her head, and a wide smile overtakes her lips. “I’ve seen pictures of Dash Ford, and he’s very expressive with those blue eyes of his. Sorry, but the man’s eyes say so much more than words probably ever could. Try reaching out to him again. Did you leave a message after trying to call him?”

  “No.” The word is flat and feels wrong on my tongue.

  “I didn’t think so. Reach out, Jules. Let him know you need to discuss what happened, how you felt. Lay it all out there and work through it with him. I have a feeling that if you do that, your mind will be at ease and you will feel better. As for those feelings you had, I want you to write them down in your journal next time you’re feeling something negative, and then try to figure out where they stem from. Once you’ve done that, I want you to come up with a positive replacement feeling, and focus on that. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes.”

  “I believe when we last talked, you were planning on meeting him on tour? Is that still an option? I think it should be.”

  I miss him so much. I want to be with him, but…

  “Jules, it’s okay, remember? Just don’t let those feelings overtake and rule you.”

  I nod. I close my eyes and try to do what Dr. Hoffman has suggested. I felt betrayed and hurt because that is what I’m familiar with. Blake taught me that. But Dash is not Blake, nor will he ever be. Dash is kind, caring, honest, thoughtful, sensitive, and he loves me—all of me. Every part, even those broken parts. He has never given any reason for me to really doubt what we have or how he feels. My heart squeezes in my chest, and the overwhelming feeling of having to be with him consumes me. My eyes flash open at the realization.

  “Working through it?”

  “I need to see him. You’re right, Dr. Hoffman. Those pictures and the source they came from mean nothing. I know what I felt at the time was just a knee-jerk reaction to how things used to be. But that is the past, and the here and now is so unlike that. Dash loves me. All of me. Even the broken parts
.”

  “Jules, you’re not broken—just a little cracked. And being cracked is something that can heal. Remember that. This is a process. You’re not going to miraculously wake up overnight and everything is going to be right as rain. This takes time. And you’re doing great. You’ve come a long way since our first session. You have much to be proud about. I want you to concentrate on that, okay?”

  I can’t help but smile. “I’m trying to.”

  “I know you are. Is there anything else you want to discuss? When you came in, I got the feeling that there is more going on, or are my Spidey senses off today?”

  I should have known she’d ask. Dr. Hoffman is very perceptive. I just wish I knew how she knew so I won’t do it again. I take a deep breath and let it out.

  “Jules, you know it just stays in this room. You can trust me. This is a safe place, and nothing can hurt you in here. Remember that.”

  I know she’s right, but I can’t help but hear Blake’s warning. If there was I way I could spin it and not let on it was him, that would make this so much easier. I know if I tell her it will help, but at what cost?

  “Jules, there is something else, isn’t there? I don’t think the situation with Dash would have you scheduling prior to our next appointment.”

  She’s right. I know I probably could have worked through this thing with Dash on my own eventually. The situation today is the real reason I’m here. When I left the office, I didn’t know what to do or where to go. This seemed liked the best idea. Now, I’m not so sure, since I need to say something. But what?

  “Take your time; my next appointment isn’t for another hour.”

  I reach for the mug; it’s like a security blanket at the moment. Maybe if I can sip and sip and sip, something will come to me as to what to say… where to start. The tea has cooled considerably, but I still sip it. Its aroma permeates my nose. Sip. Sip. Sip. Sip.

  I glance over the rim of the mug at Dr. Hoffman, and her attention is on her iPad. I wonder if she’s writing about me or googling something that has nothing to do with being a doctor. I like to imagine she’s shopping for some frivolous item that appears on infomercials late at night. You never know when you might need to make a bacon bowl. Just do it, Jules. She can help. She always helps. You’re safe, my inner voice speaks up.

  I place the mug back down. I stand up and head over to the window. My eyes take in the fountain, and I can hear its faint lapping. Calm. I’m calm. Safe. I’m safe. “I saw someone recently. Someone I never thought I’d see again.” The words tumble out of my mouth before I can pull them back.

  “I’M GONNA MISS you guys.” Tracy sniffles, although I know she’s not really going to cry. She’s just disappointed she won’t be tagging along, but an amazing opportunity came up for her that she couldn’t pass up. Hopefully, it will really launch her career. She couldn’t tell Val and me much, but it has something to do with some awards show and doing hair for some of the celebrities attending.

  After telling Dr. Hoffman what was the real problem, not that what is going on with Dash isn’t a problem—one I created—I felt lighter. It’s just the thing with Blake has thrown my world into a tailspin, wreaking havoc on my emotions and my mind—all over again. So, after leaving her office the other day, I immediately called Val and asked when she was heading to Italy and if I could tag along. She was surprised at first, but once I explained what had been going on, minus the Blake thing, she insisted I come. She also insisted that I tell Dash I was coming, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to give him a reason to tell me not to come. I know Dr. Hoffman would probably verbally smack me for thinking that, so I spun it around and thought of the positive. I told Val I really wanted to surprise him. Even though she thought I should still tell him, she decided on second thought that a surprise wasn’t a bad idea. She didn’t say much about the times she’s talked to him, but the more she thought about it, the more the idea appealed and felt right.

  I am all packed and ready to go. Tomorrow morning first thing, I will be on the first of my flights that will take me to Italy, to Dash. I am practically jumping out of my skin, barely containing my excitement mixed with a nervousness I haven’t felt since junior prom. It’s been a hellacious few weeks. Dr. Hoffman was right. I need to see him face to face. I need to let him know that my moment of doubt and weakness was just that—a moment. I have complete and utter faith in him. In us. And I have to let him know how sorry I am that I ever thought that way. I just need him to be patient with me. I need him to know that at times my head is going to overrule my heart.

  “Ummmm, Earth to Jules… helloooooo?”

  “Sorry, did you ask me something?”

  “Why yes I did. And I won’t take too much offense to you not paying a lick of attention to me considering you’ve got hot rock star on the brain.” There’s a teasing glint in Tracy’s eyes.

  “Sorry.”

  Tracy waves me off. “No need. You need to get away. You need to be with Dash, and he needs to be with you. You haven’t really been yourself since he left, and if this is what you need to feel like you, then there is no reason to apologize. I just wish I could go with you guys. But I’m happy to say that the reason I can’t is amazing. I wish I could tell you guys more about it. Stupid NDA.” The exaggerated pout she gives is comical.

  Val comes from down the hall. “Awwww, we are so proud of you, babe. And I guess we just might miss you too. A little bit.” Val wraps her arms around Tracy in a hug and gives her neck the biggest and wettest kiss.

  Tracy cringes and immediately uses her shoulder to wipe away Val’s affections. “Bitch.” Tracy butt bumps Val to push her away. I laugh at my two best friends. And it feels damn good.

  Val walks away and plops down on the couch. “You love me anyway.”

  With an eye roll, Tracy replies, “Unfortunately.”

  Val sticks out her tongue. A fit of giggles ensues from the three of us.

  “So what’s it gonna be? Are we gonna drool over Channing Tatum and his moves, or are we going to gush over Chris Hemsworth as he saves London?”

  “Tough choice,” Val mumbles into her wineglass.

  “Totally.” I shrug, not really caring who we watch. I just want it to be tomorrow already and to be on that plane.

  “Then it’s settled. We watch both.” Tracy decides, putting in the first of DVDs.

  We all settle on the couch, wineglasses in hand. A girls’ night is just what we all need. Just what I need to take my mind off of… everything.

  I BARELY GOT any sleep. I kept tossing and turning. My mind wouldn’t shut down. One minute it would conjure Dash and that panty-melting smile, and my insides would turn to goo and excitement would bubble over. Then the next image would be of him looking so sad, and that glint in his eye was nowhere to be found. All because of me. Inside of welcoming with open arms, the door to his hotel suite slowly closes on me. Back and forth. Back and forth my mind bounced from image to image. Around three am I gave up trying to sleep and quietly walked out to the living room, hoping I wouldn’t wake up Val as she slept in the guest room and I alphabetized my DVDs.

  Our flight leaves in exactly five hours, and we need to leave in three. I take my time in the shower, letting the hot water pulsating out of the massaging showerhead beat down on my shoulders and neck. I know it’s probably useless, thinking it will help alleviate some of the tension I’ve been carrying since Dash left and Blake showed up.

  We arrive at the airport, Tracy says good-bye to us, and the driver removes our luggage from the trunk. I can tell she’s still a little sad that she can’t go, but I’m so proud of her.

  “Bring me back a ton of souvenirs, okay? And have the time of your life, Jules. You so deserve it.” She gives me a hug.

  Val says good-bye to her, and I notice the two whispering something to each other. I wonder what that’s all about. “Guys, have fun, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Tracy climbs back into the back of the car, and it takes off into the rest of airport traffic.
We check in and make our way through security. I can’t sit still. I practically wear a spot on the carpet with all the pacing I’m doing waiting for our flight to be called. Val suggests we hit the nearest Starbucks but I instantly shoot that idea down, stating that I don’t need any caffeine to fuel my hyper and nervous energy. Finally, they call our flight to start boarding. We all opted to pay extra to fly first class. Even though the first leg of our trip isn’t as long as the one from New York to Italy, we decide it was well worth it anyhow. I easily busy myself during our flight to New York reading and listening to my iPod.

  Our layover in New York is brief, thank the Lord. I don’t think I could handle waiting for hours and hours. The forty-five minutes we have to wait is bad enough. We board the plane, and I start to get what I need to make myself as comfy as possible with a blanket, pillow, my fuzzy socks, my book, and my iPod. I’m finally all settled in. The final passengers make their way on board; the flight attendants do their thing as well. Val is sitting next to me furiously texting on her phone; I’m sure last-minute details before they announce we need to put away all electronics.

  Now that I’m finally still… now that I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts… a nervousness like never before starts to weave its way inside me, overtaking every part of me. My mind automatically drifts to thoughts of Dash and me. Phone calls we’ve had and haven’t had replay over and over. The last phone call plays on a loop. I can hear the desperation and disappointment in his voice when my own self-doubt about me… him… us rears its ugly head. If I could just go back and do that phone call all over, I would. There’s so much I want to tell him. So much I need to tell him. I just hope I get the chance. Deep down, I know he won’t turn me away. Deep down, I know he’ll be happy to see me. Deep down, I hope I’m right. I can’t help the uncertainty that claws at my rationality of the situation. I want to rip it apart… tear it to shreds until it’s nonexistent. Then excitement unravels and intertwines with the nervousness. I can’t wait to see him. My body desperately aches for his touch. I feel my muscles clench and constrict at the mere thought. I need and want him so badly.